is my life a dream ?
or was it just a lie ;)

the past haunting, the past haunting.
eating up my souls.
slowly.

wishing.
a future.
with less regrets ? "p

but now
without purpose
without goals

wandering , wandering
wasting my life away

goin with the flow
its an endless cycle

i love myself on the outside.
but i hate myself on the inside

im not that strong type of person, just stubborn and short sighted, less wise at times.
i know i m useless. yet i have so many wonderful & caring friends. and my mum still treats me as her son.
yet i m not being productive , not doing my responsibilities.
i know i m useless...

i cant even be honest with myself..
i m typing , and i m suppose to feel totally sad.
but some part of me resists, telling myself to be happy instead.
happy times flashed ,forcing me to drive away the sadness.

i m afraid of many things. and have very little guts.
i kept running away from issues.

i dont even know whats right or wrong anymore.

its sad.. but i cant really do anything about it.

in the end.. i m just a useless junk...

useless junk.

.02

was driving home , 5.31 pm today.

which came first? the egg or the chicken ..

pondered about it for a good 7 minutes ( stuck in jam + radioo)

and finally realized that the answer depends on which egg and which chicken the question is refering to.

diff eggs , diff time zone. diff chics, diff time zone.

ahh.. silly question.
~
be back to office after finishing my porridge. lotsa hmework to do. =/

it starts now

i m a little nervous .

my boss's left to aus yesterday .

i m alone for a week.

will i be able to hold his post, gave his orders and ensure the operation goes smoothly ?

well , i cant afford for things to go wrong.

with pressures mounting and crazy burdens strapped on to my shoulders...

i shall be the best clerk and assistant that i can be.

worry not , dear boss =/

i ll do it , without fail

sayonara , roku.

i m quite ashamed of myself , for not being able to think in the same channel as the group does. not being able to act like the rest of group & for not taking the effort to understand them. and not doing things as best i could for the group's interest.

staying passive all the time, i wondered if observing would at least give me the slightest hint in how to be one with the group. but it didnt help much , really.

i wasnt like this during foundation. but ever since my degree started, during my hangouts with the group i was starting to feel uncomfortable. i had to mask a smiley face, be pretentious & treat it like a picnic. rather then staying emo all the time , i tell myself to be happy , to be grateful because a hangout is a place to have fun. i kept telling myself that.

in the past i 'd do whatever it takes to at least be a worthy "sixer". there were times i waited, i gave time time. i tell myself that everythings gonna be okay. but there was something in me that was building up. i was worried for some reason.
it made me uncomfortable.
i was choking.

i think , its about time.

i should quit being a 'sixer'

Please let me out of this cage.

Ron-ron wants to fly.



<3 kiss the foundation times ~ goodbye <3

dont walk in front of me
because i wont follow

dont walk behind me
because i wont lead

walk with me,
try

because friendships should be like honey stars
sweet to perfection

but then i realized
not always.

and i start to wonder
where did i gone wrong

when all i've done is to follow my blood
trying to be myself

i feel distanced
by the ones i really cared

my so called tomodachis
isnt really there

i thought carefully
and pondered

as if it was a dream
made of chocolate sundae ice cream

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

its not easy to find an emo breeze,
one with a ghostly howl,
carrying the scent of a nearby rain,
dark clouds conquering the sky's domain.

its not easy to find a perfect sky
one blue so deep and bright,
carrying a sense of tranquility,
with seagulls & swallows in sight.

its not easy to find the perfect night,
one warm , quiet and starry,
carrying a mood of solitude,
damn that was lovely.

yet no perfection's so hard to find,
as of that which i extend,
and which i hope you will ever treasure
none other then to simply be your friend.

because the world is full of people
who will laughingly pretend
but when its said and done
consider yourself lucky you've gt a friend.

and yes , i m grateful for that.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i dont know if i will be able to trust again , after knowing about the lies that was speared in between.

till then , i ll just let my thoughts dance upon the wind.

dont know which direction i m heading, and where ive been isnt much to speak of.

flying a kite made of glass & paper thread, hoping it would go aloft.

2010

new year resolutions :

1. focus more on actions that has big impacts on my life , rather then actions that will just keep me busy.

2. to have a strong bias for action, and now, rather then tommorow.

3. to be able to laugh at myself and the world more.


To be able to push myself , to be able to focus on my job and to feel happiness for the very first time is a luxury i have not had for many years.

I have grown resilient , and i must move , plan things ahead with greater resolve and not spend time wasting away mourning on yesterday's sorrows and misfortunes.

The time has come, to shed off old skins and habits ,in order to become a better person, a better human being.

Now go , and live 2010.

A blessed and gorgeous year is awaiting, ronald !! :O