i m a little depressed =x

..........

.........


........


.........


knowing that i'd never be able to find her again.

ron is walking his own path =]

Witch Doctor


Vol'Jin is a risk-taker. Anyone who has ever crossed paths with him can tell you that. As a voodoo priest, you need a certain degree of it. It's too bad he never learned the value of discretion. Vol'Jin's experiments in jungle magic yielded brilliant results- the ability to mend wounds, casks filled with paralyzing combinations of herbs that could scatter for miles, and even a curse capable of stripping the life force from a living being. Of course, no amount of power gained goes without notice. As Vol'Jin's experiments became more and more unstable and destructive, the Lich King made his move.


*looks at da picture and vivid memories came flashing* *smiles*

~

mourning's over.

an eventful week it was .

i 'm tired as hell.

working towards a gracious winter.

does it even exist ? such silly thinking, i know.

some1 once said , you cant repay your parents in this life.

even my parents said that too.

if i put myself in their shoes a little , i might understand that . possibly because they had many commitments & priorities in their own life , and their parents understand & feel happy for them. get involved with the society, go out and explore the world , experience and learn things, good.
and because their parents are happy that their children are growing up & the children felt happy too.

even my parents said that too. they wanted me to see the world, learn stuffs etc etc.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

this is me .

1. i believe, when my parents give birth to me.. its because they love each other .

2. the day i was born , a contract was made. the deal wasnt to be able to do the right things in their eyes, or give them all the money in the world , or living according to societal standards, or find a life of my own.

i strongly feel that i m obliged to stay by their side . i always thought of my parents as this..why do u give me all this freedom and chance to live such different lives ? why wouldnt u make me a slave from the start... i would rather , and happily work for you forever .. but u had to let me make all the decisions by myself , knowing i am young ,unwise& immature at the point of time. i made lots of mistakes and u werent exactly happy. u were dissapointed with me, i know.

u made me go to tuition like other parents would. but i wouldnt produce out the happiest desired results . u encouraged me to study hard, and went on about your lecture on how papers could make a difference in life. but i dont want all these. life is not just about studying and working.. i just wanted to spend more time with you. just 3 of us together. but work took you away from me.

i grow up frusfrated , and when frusfration builds up , it changes a person. i turned to my friends to seek comfort, and that distanced away me from you. i became rebellious in my teens, & became a hot headed & stubborn. i refuse to acknowledge you as my teachers , as leaders although you were my parents. such were my short sightedness and views at that time.

u could never , become my friend.

and thats when the gap widened , further separating us apart.

i always said " you dont understand me " without looking in their shoes. just my feelings alone, so selfishly alone.

but these few months, i spend most of my time at home, reflecting & trying to put myself in their shoes. Eureka =)

rite now, let me rephrase myself. I m repaying my parents not to brush off of the mistakes i had made in the past, or to ease my guilt, but that i had a blood contract with them. I will stay by their side & help them out. Wherever they go , my heart will always be with them.

condolence.

When we lose someone we love, it seems that time stands still.

What moves through us is a silence, a quiet sadness, a longing for one more day, one more word, one more touch, we may not understand why you left this earth so soon, or why you left before we were ready to say good-bye, but little by little, we begin to remember not just that you died, but that you lived.

those who withered,

and that your life gave us memories too beautiful to forget.

those at present,

may the love of those around you help you through the days ahead & hold tight to memories for comfort.

dont know who i am,
searching deep inside
not who i was before,
cause that person died

lonely and broken,
cant recognise my own face
nothing feels right,
Fallen out of place

slowly breathing,
planning out the days
ron is not just a little boy,
and this isnt just a faze.

for i lost myself
Oh, so long ago
And i m carrying so much,
I wish i didnt know.

All of the missing pieces,
are lost inside so deep
I m calling out,
Singing myself to sleep.

Time is taking over ,
And theres nothing much to say,
But the words wont come,
and i m pushing the moments away.

the sweeT mwelodies I once knew,
Got swalllowed up by choice
Nobody's there to listen,
Dont wanna hear my voice.

She's there somewhere,
The girl I used to know,
And i dont know who i am ,
Because she chose to let me go.

~

Today is Wednesday ,August 12 .

My life has gone into a mess. Lost & stranded on a stray path, I m now facing a bleak future.

I was procastinating all my actions along, and now time is not on my side anymore.

I have already suffered, and will most probably continue to suffer for a long period of time.

If I changed my degree course, I will falsely assure myself that I have 3 years to go, and then go on my old habits.
Then while I m in college I will be frequently thinking of " how soon can i graduate " kinda thing.

If I started working , I mite be able to change myself and reduce my family burdens. Then while I am at it I will be ridiculed by the " If I was still in college.. ".

My life is already turning into a game of chess. I am now compromising into a stalemate where my current nor future self is fully satisfied , but its not that miserable till i 'd contemplate suicide.

Well the other player in this game isnt a stranger. As much as I change, I m suprisingly stable over long periods of time. So me.

If I win now , I ll lose later. If I lose now, its not 100 % I ll win later. If I fall in the middle, I 'd go nowhere. Never really winning, never really losing.

Its time for me to become a stronger player in this game. Although I dont know what my future will bring & that all my decisions are made with imperfect knowledge , my current life of continual compromise & boredom is a life a slow torture. I dont want this kind of life anymore.

Instead of fighting with myself , can I just ally with myself for today , and think of something that will make both of us happy ?

something that will make me and you happy for today , and for us , 10 years later.

Think it over , Ron.

should i start all over again

no i shouldnt.

starting all over is boring.

life is a game, yes ?

time to play it differently then.

path chosen , good or bad, we should strive our best at it no ?

ahaha.

p.s =) i never regret failing. i m nt afraid of failing. i m nt afraid of the calamities which is gonna befall me. i m nt afraid of how ppl look at me, treat me because of my failure . maybe a little , yes.

i dont mind ppl looking down on me. step on me. boss me around. i had a high tolerance & patience against these things.

sometimes i do act tough , yet i could be so timid in many things.

i spent a great deal of time at home these days. i ran away from college. gonna drop out of it soon.

but now , at this very moment . to continue being overshadowed by my darkness of being a society deviant or

get myself involved with something new and then regret it later.

i appreciate all the things which happened around me , happy & sad times, i will always cherish them in my mind

for yer all who read this , just to let you know . i m okay . okay.

ahaha.

b u m p

.

.

Still Alive.

You have changed

I have changed

Just like you

Just like you

For how long

For how long

Must I wait

I know there's something wrong

Your concrete heart isn't beating

And you tried to

Make it come alive

No shadows

Just red lights

Now I'm here to rescue you

Oh I'm still alive

I'm still alive

I can't apologise no

Oh I'm still alive

I'm still alive

I can't apologise no

So silent

No violence

But inside my head

So loud and clear

You're screaming

You're screaming

Cover up with a smile I've learned to fear

Just sunshine

And blue sky

That's just how it goes

For living here

Come fire

Come fire

Let it burn and love come racing through

Oh I'm still alive

I'm still alive

I can't apologise no

Oh I'm still alive

I'm still alive

I can't apologise no

Learn to lose

Learn to win

Turn my face against the wind

I will move fast

I will move slow

Take me where I have to go

Oh I'm still alive

I'm still alive

I can't apologise no

if i live in the glories of my past i m as good as dead

if i live in the miseries of my past i m as good as dead

the only way i could ever be alive is to :

to realize that i am in complete control

to do something new/unlock the puzzle/discover the future

and to seize the moment. dont let go.

.

.

i challenged myself to go all out , preparing myself 4 exam in 10 days.

kalafina - Aria <33

Yume no kakera - the shard of a dream

kimi ga kureta - lurks within the endless night

akenai yoru ni hisomu - that you gave me

Yorisou hoshi - the stars that gets close

hitotsu kiete - one disappears and

yoake no ARIA ga hibiita - the aria of dawn echoes

Mou kono yamanai ame no naka de - already, in this rain that won't stop,

kinou ni obieru koto mo nai - there's no need to be frightened of yesterday

ima kimi wo nakushita mirai ha - right now, the future that lost you

hajimatta bakari - has just begun

Hatenai yami no naka - in the endless darkness

kimi ga kureta kagaribiga - the watch fire you gave me

garan no kono mune ni - lights up

umaretai nochi wo - the life born into

terashiteiru - this empty heart

Kieta mono to - things that has disappeared and

kawaranu mono - things that won't change

muzan na sora ga hikaru - the cruel sky shines

Wakare wo tsuge - saying good-bye

hohoemi ai - and smiling at each other

sabishii ARIA wo kasanete - by repeating the lonely aria

Nee, hito ha itsumade hitori de - hey, by themselves, until when do people

futari ni kogarete iku no darou - yearn to become two

mada kimi no kirei na mirai ha - your beautiful future

hajimatta bakari...... - has only just begun......

Yasashisa wo shiranai - the kindness given to me by you,

kimi ga kureta yasashisa ga - who doesn't know kindness,

garan no kono mune ni - lights up

na mo naki hikari wo - an unnamed radiance

tomoshite iru - in this empty heart

Kodoku no fune wo kogi - rowing the boat of solitude

kagaribi ha nageki tsudou - the watch fires grief and gather

garan no sekai ni ha - in this empty world

anata no ARIA ga hibii te iru - multiple arias are echoing

i m definitely going to go insane.

farewell , i heart you.

<3 Air base

Denial

Sleepless, lightless,
I've been waiting for you
In secret, counting the hours
Until the morning sun
How would you love now what's inside of me
I wonder how we don't have to be anything else but this

Let's end this denial
Let's end this denial

Need you, Feel you
Breathing on me,
Feeling us fading
I'm waiting for you to come home
I felt the light touch, will keep us together, satisfied
You light up my path, speeding the hours
You heal me somehow

Let's end this denial
Let's end this denial

Hear me calling, I'm going, seeking
Time is flowing slowly when you're not around
The heart is rifting, do make us willing
You're spending up my hours until we're not alright

Let's end this denial

~ the Awakening ~

A time comes in your life when you finally get it ...
when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity,
you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out ...
ENOUGH!
Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on.
Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum,
you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is Your Awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change,
or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.
You realize that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings,
and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must Begin With You ...
and in the process a sense of Serenity is born of Acceptance.

You Awaken ...
to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always
love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK.
They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself ...
and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.
You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you -
or didn't do for you
and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say
and that not everyone will always be there for you
and that everything isn't always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself ...
and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are
and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties ...
and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view.
You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing
and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown,
or should never have bought into to begin with.
You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing
and you stop maneuvering through life
merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity
are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era,
but the mortar that holds together the foundation
upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything,
it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing.
You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry
and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love.
You learn to look at relationships as they really are
and not as you would have them be.
You learn that alone does not mean lonely.
You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.
You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility
and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside,
smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that your body really is your temple.
You begin to care for it and treat it with respect.
You begin to eat a balanced diet,
drink more water, and take more time to exercise.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty
and so you take more time to rest.
And, just as food fuels the body,
laughter fuels our soul.
So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life
what you believe you deserve,
and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for
and that wishing for something to happen
is different than working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success
you need direction, discipline and perseverance.
You also learn that no one can do it all alone,
and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself.
You learn to step right into and through your fears
because you know that whatever happens you can handle it
and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.
You learn to fight for your life
and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn't always fair,
you don't always get what you think you deserve
and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people ...
and you learn not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody's punishing you
and everything isn't always somebody's fault.
It's just life happening.
You learn to admit when you are wrong
and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy
and resentment must be understood and redirected
or they will suffocate the life out of you
and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to be thankful
and to take comfort in many of the simple things
we take for granted,
things that millions of people upon the earth
can only dream about ...
a full refrigerator, clean running water,
a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself
and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself
and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire.
You make it a point to keep smiling,
to keep trusting,
and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
You hang a wind chime outside your window
so you can listen to the wind.
Finally, with courage in your heart,
you take a stand, you take a deep breath,
and You Begin To Design The Life You Want To Live
As Best You Can.

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~ Written by ... Sonny Carroll ~
This is a stepping stone into self empowerment and finding inner peace.
It is an awakening to the fact that your happiness depends solely on you and always has.
Awaken to the beauty you truly hold.

~

~

its about time to let myself go

and move on.

i hate this. but i ll be feeling more sry for myself if i dont .

i ll be okay. even though i m alone.

my struggle will go on.

no matter how much my society

oppressively forces on my conformity.

i dont want to fall in the line with the rest.

asked to take medication which mellows myself out ~

I say , No.

No . medicating myself to mediocrity is not a Solution.

I have ADHD.

Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder . So ?

I couldnt study properly. so ?

I m being looked down on . so ?

I mature slower then my friends. so ?

I m being branded as deviant , malfunctioning empty headed dreamer. so what ?

Vast simplification and perhaps some narrow mindedness , but hey it's my style

I'm fiery and excitable.

I'm terribly optimistic and cynically careful.

I think in grandiose ideas and tend to stir up passion in others.

If i had chance to be myself . truly myself . if the world i live in allows me to build on my "good" instead of ameliorating my "bad" . what contributions could i make to my society?

would i need my anti-depressants & sleeping pills ? will i be happier ? would this world be a better place ?

~ ... or have i finally , unabashedly and unequivocally declared my insanity ? xD?

as each day passes by

i m getting weaker and weaker

i had reached a point of no return.

but . i dont want to be a goner yet

i m ready to give up

cutting myself up every single day

i might break

anytime

so, dont come close.

i ll say no

oath

it gets lonelier as you grow up

true for my case =)

shana no more
ronron no more

putting aside all emotions, fears & regrets

because

starting from t'day

my life takes on a 180 degrees turn

when i feel weak

i ll return here again.

a place where my mind rests

& my heart speaks =)

and also

happy b'day to Janice ~

In these darkest hours, when you believed in a thing called hope
It is,a matter of time ,before you realized that the only person in this world you can depend on is in fact, yourself.

When a child who is nurtured with so much of love and care in a family grew up to see the ugly side of the world, how would he think ?

When a person is hummiliated , labelled , ignored & treated like a dog and he chose to endure it as long as he can , what would become of him ?

When a person who treats friendship more seriously then himself forsakes his way of life , how much more of pain must he endure ?

When a grandson is unable visit to his grandfather who is going for an operation , how the fuck can he called himself his grandson ? In case he passed away ,I havent say I love U yet.

When a person experienced so much of depression and loneliness that he could easily contemplate suicide but still havent , what will his next move be ?

When a person is willing to let go of everything he holds dear for some strange reasons, does that meant hes given up already ?

Finally,
When a man chooses his path and accepts his destiny , what will his ending be ?

Well, its for me to know and for you to find out.