Damn. Its been a while ever since i experience this much anxiousness. Never before had i prayed so hard to just freaking pass my exams. half assed , i knew if i pass , it would be by a slight margin. cant stop thinking about it the whole night. i didnt wanna put any false hopes on myself and yet unprepared to prepare for the worst , and still holding to this thing called miracle.
i dont see any angels, are they meant to be unseen ? i only see the causes and effects of my previous actions - silly and always jumping to conclusions - so taboo . Rite now i m so tensed i couldnt even finish my lunch box. hunched back sitting crosslegged on my chair in my room blasting jap songs to ease my mind a little. i m afraid . there's like a million if's going on in my mind. even my whole hand shivers, with a cold sensation at the fingertips. my stomach doesnt feel well , and worst of all my heart beats faster every second . 45 minutes to go .come on , Dont let me down Ronald . U tried ur fcking best rite, even tho its at last minute. Come on . Face the world . DArn , i m jumping to conclusions again. so quick to convince myself about false hopes and excuses again. I m a person who is onli convince by what he sees or feels , so i can t program my mind to believe in this kind of stuff again, but these things drive the motivation in me ( blind motivation) thats what i called it. its rather dissapointing because i kept telling myself to believe in a non existant angel. despite knowing the onli angel was only myself , i kept forcing myself to believe in a non existant element. So , if i failed , i m not an angel to myself anymore =x i m a devil . my angelic side tells me that no matter what failures i'd face , take it as chance. my demonic side tells me to seek refuge in false hopes and let fate decide. I m seriously torn . Its so hard waiting just for this 1 hour. Much harder then buying presents for ppl's b day. 30 minutes to go . my thoughts just keeps jumping into the random events of my past. flashbacks, of events , its building the tension, just like a tsunami wave. waiting to crush on me . all i can do is to hope that i ll survive it. i hate it. i seriously hate waiting for something thats so unsure of . half assed jobs sure give you creeps. i think that i can do it , but in the end i did it half assed. so much for a college student. sipping cinamon flavored chinese tea , i listened to the sounds of my room . fan spinning , music waves bouncing of the wall from my speakers , alphabets being typed , and my own heavy breath. damn , i could even hear my own heart beat .
25 minutes to go. oh ma fcking goddd........ i m seriously tense ni .. ! i m afraid to accept whats gonna happen in the next 25 mins . not man at all . not even boy.. just like a girl . arghhhh.
i m scared of my own results. cowardice. i being controlled by the results of my own actions .
and worst.. i m afraid i will let down those who put their hopes in me. i feel v v guilty . . . seriously guilty to the max. . if i failed.
20 minutes to go . fark ... i m gonna go crazy. sien.. i m starting to get bored of this feeling not stimulating at all . i ll just let the feeling go and seal it inside my treasure box. and stop babbling about negativity . (+_+)V good luck to all my tomodachi , i m sure u all will get better results then this half assed peer.
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