dont know who i am,
searching deep inside
not who i was before,
cause that person died

lonely and broken,
cant recognise my own face
nothing feels right,
Fallen out of place

slowly breathing,
planning out the days
ron is not just a little boy,
and this isnt just a faze.

for i lost myself
Oh, so long ago
And i m carrying so much,
I wish i didnt know.

All of the missing pieces,
are lost inside so deep
I m calling out,
Singing myself to sleep.

Time is taking over ,
And theres nothing much to say,
But the words wont come,
and i m pushing the moments away.

the sweeT mwelodies I once knew,
Got swalllowed up by choice
Nobody's there to listen,
Dont wanna hear my voice.

She's there somewhere,
The girl I used to know,
And i dont know who i am ,
Because she chose to let me go.

~

Today is Wednesday ,August 12 .

My life has gone into a mess. Lost & stranded on a stray path, I m now facing a bleak future.

I was procastinating all my actions along, and now time is not on my side anymore.

I have already suffered, and will most probably continue to suffer for a long period of time.

If I changed my degree course, I will falsely assure myself that I have 3 years to go, and then go on my old habits.
Then while I m in college I will be frequently thinking of " how soon can i graduate " kinda thing.

If I started working , I mite be able to change myself and reduce my family burdens. Then while I am at it I will be ridiculed by the " If I was still in college.. ".

My life is already turning into a game of chess. I am now compromising into a stalemate where my current nor future self is fully satisfied , but its not that miserable till i 'd contemplate suicide.

Well the other player in this game isnt a stranger. As much as I change, I m suprisingly stable over long periods of time. So me.

If I win now , I ll lose later. If I lose now, its not 100 % I ll win later. If I fall in the middle, I 'd go nowhere. Never really winning, never really losing.

Its time for me to become a stronger player in this game. Although I dont know what my future will bring & that all my decisions are made with imperfect knowledge , my current life of continual compromise & boredom is a life a slow torture. I dont want this kind of life anymore.

Instead of fighting with myself , can I just ally with myself for today , and think of something that will make both of us happy ?

something that will make me and you happy for today , and for us , 10 years later.

Think it over , Ron.

should i start all over again

no i shouldnt.

starting all over is boring.

life is a game, yes ?

time to play it differently then.

path chosen , good or bad, we should strive our best at it no ?

ahaha.

p.s =) i never regret failing. i m nt afraid of failing. i m nt afraid of the calamities which is gonna befall me. i m nt afraid of how ppl look at me, treat me because of my failure . maybe a little , yes.

i dont mind ppl looking down on me. step on me. boss me around. i had a high tolerance & patience against these things.

sometimes i do act tough , yet i could be so timid in many things.

i spent a great deal of time at home these days. i ran away from college. gonna drop out of it soon.

but now , at this very moment . to continue being overshadowed by my darkness of being a society deviant or

get myself involved with something new and then regret it later.

i appreciate all the things which happened around me , happy & sad times, i will always cherish them in my mind

for yer all who read this , just to let you know . i m okay . okay.

ahaha.

b u m p

.

.

Still Alive.

You have changed

I have changed

Just like you

Just like you

For how long

For how long

Must I wait

I know there's something wrong

Your concrete heart isn't beating

And you tried to

Make it come alive

No shadows

Just red lights

Now I'm here to rescue you

Oh I'm still alive

I'm still alive

I can't apologise no

Oh I'm still alive

I'm still alive

I can't apologise no

So silent

No violence

But inside my head

So loud and clear

You're screaming

You're screaming

Cover up with a smile I've learned to fear

Just sunshine

And blue sky

That's just how it goes

For living here

Come fire

Come fire

Let it burn and love come racing through

Oh I'm still alive

I'm still alive

I can't apologise no

Oh I'm still alive

I'm still alive

I can't apologise no

Learn to lose

Learn to win

Turn my face against the wind

I will move fast

I will move slow

Take me where I have to go

Oh I'm still alive

I'm still alive

I can't apologise no

if i live in the glories of my past i m as good as dead

if i live in the miseries of my past i m as good as dead

the only way i could ever be alive is to :

to realize that i am in complete control

to do something new/unlock the puzzle/discover the future

and to seize the moment. dont let go.

.

.

i challenged myself to go all out , preparing myself 4 exam in 10 days.