1 hour before results out ~

Damn. Its been a while ever since i experience this much anxiousness. Never before had i prayed so hard to just freaking pass my exams. half assed , i knew if i pass , it would be by a slight margin. cant stop thinking about it the whole night. i didnt wanna put any false hopes on myself and yet unprepared to prepare for the worst , and still holding to this thing called miracle.
i dont see any angels, are they meant to be unseen ? i only see the causes and effects of my previous actions - silly and always jumping to conclusions - so taboo . Rite now i m so tensed i couldnt even finish my lunch box. hunched back sitting crosslegged on my chair in my room blasting jap songs to ease my mind a little. i m afraid . there's like a million if's going on in my mind. even my whole hand shivers, with a cold sensation at the fingertips. my stomach doesnt feel well , and worst of all my heart beats faster every second . 45 minutes to go .come on , Dont let me down Ronald . U tried ur fcking best rite, even tho its at last minute. Come on . Face the world . DArn , i m jumping to conclusions again. so quick to convince myself about false hopes and excuses again. I m a person who is onli convince by what he sees or feels , so i can t program my mind to believe in this kind of stuff again, but these things drive the motivation in me ( blind motivation) thats what i called it. its rather dissapointing because i kept telling myself to believe in a non existant angel. despite knowing the onli angel was only myself , i kept forcing myself to believe in a non existant element. So , if i failed , i m not an angel to myself anymore =x i m a devil . my angelic side tells me that no matter what failures i'd face , take it as chance. my demonic side tells me to seek refuge in false hopes and let fate decide. I m seriously torn . Its so hard waiting just for this 1 hour. Much harder then buying presents for ppl's b day. 30 minutes to go . my thoughts just keeps jumping into the random events of my past. flashbacks, of events , its building the tension, just like a tsunami wave. waiting to crush on me . all i can do is to hope that i ll survive it. i hate it. i seriously hate waiting for something thats so unsure of . half assed jobs sure give you creeps. i think that i can do it , but in the end i did it half assed. so much for a college student. sipping cinamon flavored chinese tea , i listened to the sounds of my room . fan spinning , music waves bouncing of the wall from my speakers , alphabets being typed , and my own heavy breath. damn , i could even hear my own heart beat .

25 minutes to go. oh ma fcking goddd........ i m seriously tense ni .. ! i m afraid to accept whats gonna happen in the next 25 mins . not man at all . not even boy.. just like a girl . arghhhh.
i m scared of my own results. cowardice. i being controlled by the results of my own actions .
and worst.. i m afraid i will let down those who put their hopes in me. i feel v v guilty . . . seriously guilty to the max. . if i failed.

20 minutes to go . fark ... i m gonna go crazy. sien.. i m starting to get bored of this feeling not stimulating at all . i ll just let the feeling go and seal it inside my treasure box. and stop babbling about negativity . (+_+)V good luck to all my tomodachi , i m sure u all will get better results then this half assed peer.

(+_+)

beenwaitinsolongforthatdaydontknowhatodoanymoredoneverythingicouldbutitsmakingmemoreanxiousdaybydaystaringattheceilinglyingonmybedstaringatthewalltheresomanythingsicouldobutijustcantcozidonthavethewillpowertodoitryingtorecallwhatihavedonepreparingmyselforthatdayisquitehardcozwhenyouexpectfortheworstyoufeeldownsoconfusedsodisappointedinmyselfsofarkedupsounhappysogonnagocrazy

ah well.

Baka !!? =p

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To hope is to risk pain.

To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

=p

Mixed Emotions , My Way

Whenever I opened up and looked at this page, it always reflected back on myself. I found myself typing immature things , much like a small kid's. But thats not the point. I started blogging last sem , and i had to admit that this sem brings me the most emotions i could ever felt in my life. It gave me tons of experiences, and taught me in many ways (whether right or wrong). =)

Anywayx , The point here is that my passion for blogging is fading away. I had always been an active blogger, pouring my feelings and thoughts into the blog. But I found myself looking at a totally different view now. Not that I dont have the time to blog , but i find it pointless, meaningless to continue this act.

I felt that it is meaningless for other people to read my blog , listen to the songs in here and updating themselves for whatever they thought are happening in my life. After all , to me, blogging tends to be 1 sided, and it definitely didnt help me in opening up my mind & it narrows the way i see things. Words arent everything after all ,arent they =p ?

So what I m trying to say is, if you , my dear readers felt bored ,instead of reading my blog,
feel free to
Give me a call 012-672 6827 .
We can go yum cha & do many things more and till then ,i ll update u with whats really going on in my life.
Life is definitely more interesting if its always unperdictable and full with suprises =p.
I'd be lookin foward to it xD !

No, I m not turning back.

there are some stuff which i dont know how to explain. more to like i dont want to explain.

As far as friendship is concerned and i consider u all as really real good friends.
& i will never abandon any of my friends , ever , and i will always support u guys
but there are some exclusions, which is indeed serious.

then if that happens , i wont be able to join u guys, but my heart will be together with u all
where ever u all goes

i m not being emo , i am already very calm , just that in life there are decisions to be made

i dont wanna shift blames and see any 1 quarrel,and be troubled by my problem
but things will get a lil heated up after finals.

till that time, nothing will change my mind, if i had made that decisions, then means i already carefully consider it , ready to let it go.

pls understand that. So for now , i d try my best to put on a nice mask.

=)

Not saying anything,
Not looking back ,
Not feeling sad for the past ,
Not feeling sry,
A change of mind,
A change of heart ,
In order to move forward .

Sky =) Skyyyyyyyy =)

I m loving myself a little bit more, day by day .
Think positive , a little , dont hate myself anymore.
Its weird, when you love yourself, the feeling of self pity, and sad is GonE .
Its so automatic. It helped me to open my locked up mind.
I m relieved by alot now. I loveeeee myselfff.
I ll never put some 1 else as the center of my life again.
Not because i m afraid of the pain, but because , if i do that, i will end up hurting myself real bad.
And i dont want to hurt myself becoz i love myself. I need to start taking care of myself , and i wanna touch the SKY.
Finals in 2 more weeks. OVercame the psychological barrier, Now its physical preparation.
The real preparation Begins !!!! As from today onwards , I d look forward to another day and i promised myself , never to look back at the things which i reGRETeD.
Why choose to suffer, when everything in this world is in your hands? Everything starts from 100 %. If it goes down , means You need to get that lost %back , and it starts from accepting yourself, who you are , and what wrong you did =) .
I m not pretending . =) .This is real , and this is what i felt.
For micro , if u guys who read this , want to clarify some stuff, I'd try my best to help . Dont worry about asking silly stuff or waste time or what ever, if i can touch the sky , i ll drag u guys up too =).